Christina Reviews The *Final Destination* Series

There are four entries in the Final Destination saga.  In the first movie, a boy (Devon Sawa) has a premonition that the plane he is boarding is going to blow up with all of his classmates inside.  He starts screaming something along the lines of, “The plane’s going to explode!  We’re all going to die!”  and is kicked off of the aircraft.  A handful of his classmates follow him.  They think he’s crazy, particularly this one pompous brat played by the always charming Kerr Smith.  But sure enough, the plane blows up shortly after lift off.  The survivors have been spared an untimely death thanks to the psychic abilities of this unlikely hero.

But it’s not over.

Over the next several days, the survivors slowly begin to die horrible deaths, one by one.  It’s as if Death itself is after them, determined to come back for those who were tricky enough to slip past its deadly grasp the first time around.

The second movie is the same basic premise, only now it’s a girl who has a premonition of a fatal highway pile up.  She survives, along with several others, thanks to her quick interference. 

And then, like in the first movie, the survivors get picked off one by one in the days that follow. 

The third movie is more of the same, only now the survivors have cheated death by roller coaster.  The special features on the DVD allow you to “Choose Your Own Fate,” but unlike those Choose Your Own Adventure stories you may or may not be familiar with from your youth, your choice really doesn’t have all that much of an impact either way.  It’s really only subtle changes to the plot if you have a character choose one course of action over another.

The fourth movie is in 3D.  Several people die at a race track after a boy has a premonition.  He and his friends are spared, but not for long.

I liked this series.  It was an interesting premise and it lent itself to some awesomely bloody death scenes.  The fourth movie was particularly good in 3D. 

The only problem is that the whole series had this gaping plot hole so big you could drive a bus through it.  Think about this for a second.  If even just one person were to survive a deadly accident that they were never meant to survive, it would have ramifications that would extend to the far reaches of the world.  It’s called the ripple effect.  Final Destination 2 actually drives this point home quite nicely without even realizing it. 

With that in mind, it really doesn’t matter if death comes back for the survivors or not.  Death’s plan is already completely $!%##&.  Might as well clean the slate and start over from scratch.

I give the first movie three and a half stars and the rest of the series three stars.

Christina Reviews *Ferris Bueller's Day Off*

         This 80's classic is about 18 year old Ferris Bueller's ninth day off.  He fakes being sick so that his parents will let him stay home from school.  His sister is ticked at him because she knows he's full of it.  And when he tries to enlist his best friend's help in the planning of a day full of hijincks and tomfoolery, his friend is understandably skeptical.  But it all works out in the end.

        There’s really not much you can say about this movie.  It’s one of those movies you’ve just got to see.  If you don’t like 80’s comedies centered upon high schoolers and their constant shenanigans, you might not have any interest in seeing this movie.  But if you’re going to watch any movie like that, you might as well watch this one.

       The plot is simple, and yet I wouldn‘t call it boring.  This is the kind of movie that could only ever work in the 80's.

      Matthew Broderick and Alan Ruck are brilliant in their roles.  Jeffrey Jones is pretty good as the principal who knows exactly what Ferris is up to and is determined to make the boy's life a living hell.        

       There are definitely some classic scenes in here.

Christina Reviews *The Family Man*

          Nicholas Cage plays a man who learns the error of his meglomaniac ways after entering an alternate reality where he’s a husband and father to two rugrats.  He realizes how much he loves being married and how fun it is being a father to little Annie and Josh.  And he realizes that maybe he'd rather have love than money.

        This is one of those situations that could never happen in real life, yet reality is not nearly as important in The Family Man as showing the protagonist’s inner journey. 

         Three stars.  It's a cute movie if you don't think about it too hard.

Christina Reviews *Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story*

         For all fans of Family Guy, here is a feature-length episode for your viewing pleasure.  It’s everything you ever wanted to know about Stewie Griffin, the baby, and Stewie Griffin, the future man. You’ve probably seen this movie already.  I’m probably wasting my time even reviewing it.

        I just wanted to say that some of my favorite Family Guy scenes are in this movie.  There are a few of them, but I'm only going to mention one.  The most memorable scene, for me, has to be the one where Stewie says that he would fit in with the characters on 90210, “even the older-looking one.”  And then it shows the 90210 kids sitting at a booth at the Peach Pit, while Andrea Zuckerman talks about what life was like in her day.  The thing I love about Family Guy is that it makes astute observations that are almost uncanny in the way that I thought the very same thing at one point in my life.  But the references are often times so obscure.  For example, I’ve only seen Where Are They Now twice, and both times it was the Leif Garrett episode.  I thought I was the only one who noticed they seemed to air that episode an awful lot.  And I thought I was the only one who had the misfortune of walking past the cover of Escape to Witch Mountain on several occasions while working at Blockbuster and, as a result, now have the image of the little girl etched in my memory for all time.  And now the movie proves further that Seth McFarlane and I are clearly on the same wavelength.  Gabrielle Carteris (aka Andrea Zuckerman) always did seem 80 years old in comparison to the other characters.

Christina Reviews *Eye For An Eye*

          The McCann family are getting ready for little Megan McCann's sixth birthday.  Megan's older sister Julie is alone in the house, preparing for the party, when her mother calls home.  While the two are talking on the phone, there's a knock on the door.  Julie goes to answer it, and is immediately attacked by a strange man.  Her mother hears everything and tries to get help.  But she's too late.  When the police arrive on the scene, they find that Julie has been raped and bludgeoned to death with an ice sculpture.

          Karen McCann (Sally Field) is, understandably, devastated.  Her husband (Ed Harris) and younger daughter Megan (Alexandra Kyle) are doing their best to move on.  But Karen can not rest until her daughter's killer is brought to justice.   She goes to a victims' support group, but being surrounded by other grieving families only stokes the flames of the fire within her.

        The murderer (Kiefer Sutherland) is eventually caught, but is then released on a technicality.  Karen decides that, since she can't rely on the courts for justice, she will need to take matters into her own hands.  She starts by stalking him, but soon decides that stalking him is not enough.  He cannot be trusted to live amongst good, honest people like herself and her family.  He must die.   

          This movie reminds me of the kind of story you'd see on the Lifetime channel.  I will admit that it is a very emotional tale, and you can't help but root for the villain's demise.  I am not for vigilante justice, but Sutherland's character was absolutely loathsome.  Obviously.  And he didn't really leave Karen McCann much choice.

         I also liked the fact that the murdered daughter had a speech impediment.  It made her seem more real.  It was such an endearing trait that it made me feel so much worse when she died, if that's even possible.   It made me think that sometimes it's the imperfections that you miss the most when a person is gone, not the angelic qualities. 
     
        And the ending reminded me a lot of Enough starring J. Lo.  Of course, Eye For An Eye came first.  And I think that the latter is better.  The ending is kind of contrived and seems somewhat unrealistic.  But it's satisfying.  McCann is able to have her cake and eat it too.  It may not be the barbie cake they were all hoping to eat for Megan's birthday, but it's the best cake they'll ever taste again in this dark, new world in which they now live.

Christina Reviews Gus Van Sant's *Elephant*

          Elephant takes place on a normal, typical day at a normal, typical high school. Normal, typical teens are doing normal, typical things. While these students are going on about their daily lives, two teen boys are plotting a school massacre of Columbine proportions.

         This is, in fact, a fictional story that very much resembles the Columbine tragedy. I suppose the point of the movie is that there is no telling what will cause a young person to snap. The movie is like a mishmash of everything you ever heard after the Columbine shooting. But it gives no answers. There is a scene where a group of teenagers are attending a Gay/Straight Alliance type meeting and they are talking about whether or not you can spot a gay person from afar. The conclusion they come to is that, maybe, you can’t. The movie makes a similar point about teen shooters.

         It’s essentially just a day in the life. Only that day happens to be a really bad one. It’s the kind of artsy, fartsy navel-gazing piece I would expect from Gus Van Sant.

Christina Reviews *Dumb and Dumber*

          When limo driver Lloyd drives a woman to the airport and notices that she’s left behind a suitcase full of money near the escalator, he decides to drive all the way to Aspen, Colorado with his friend to return it to her.  He and his friend, after all, are too stupid to figure out that it was full of ransom money.

          I don’t have much to say about this Jim Carrey movie, so I am just going to quote a few of the funny lines.

           Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
           Lloyd:  I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

           Lloyd: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

           Lloyd:  Oh.  That’s it.  I’ve had it with this dump.  We’ve got no food, we’ve got no jobs, our pets’ HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

           Lloyd:  “Hey, guys.  Whoa!  Big Gulps, huh?  All right!  Well, see you later.”

Christina Reviews *Don’t Tell (La bestia nel cuore)*

  **½

This is a movie about sexual abuse.   It would make a decent Lifetime movie (if all of the subplots were taken out).  In fact, that’s the only thing that separates this movie from a Lifetime movie---the confusing subplots.  The subplots and the cinematography.  I guess that’s all it takes to win an award for “Best Foreign Film.”

 To be honest, I found this movie to be très dull. Everything I already know about sexual abuse (the silence, the multi-faced predators, the lifelong scars, the way the kid may feel like he/she didn't do enough to stop it, etc.) were dealt with in this movie in a very heavy-handed way.  The movie even came complete with “the voice-over.” 

The movie dealt with sexual abuse in a somewhat intellectualized way, which is the worst way to handle a subject like this in a movie. The more intellectual the movie gets, the less emotional it is for the viewer. When I say that it was intellectual, I don't mean intelligent. I just mean analytical as opposed to visceral.

The only thing about this movie that was surprising was the blind lesbian subplot, and only because it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the story.  I got the sense that the blind woman was supposed to be symbolic, in a heavy-handed way, but that's about it.

And then the adultery subplot seemed to hammer home the idea that all men are pigs. Boring.

The acting and the cinematography were good. Other than that, I wasn't impressed.

It’s got an optimistic ending, and that's good. But I just can't recommend this movie. It could have been so much better. I like the hope it offers but, by the time the end came, I wasn't involved enough in the story for it to matter what became of the characters.

It offers hope to victims of abuse, but then so does therapy. A movie is different from therapy for a reason.

Christina Reviews *Donnie Darko* starring Jake Gyllenhaal

          “Sometimes I question your commitment to Sparkle Motion.”

Donnie Darko is a deeply disturbed 15 year old.  So when he first meets a man-sized rabbit named Frank, you can’t help but wonder if this is all some crazy hallucination.

Frank is able to see the future, and he predicts exactly when the end of the world is going to occur.  The movie is about time travel.  It’s about esoteric stuff.  It's about how Donnie's older sister has a mysterious boyfriend who eats up all of her time and how his younger sister Samantha is in a dance group called Sparkle Motion that takes itself way too seriously.  It's about an Asian girl named Cherita who gets picked on by all the boys at school.  It's about how Donnie's girlfriend's family is messed up.  It's about how Drew Barrymore is in this movie.   I don’t really know what the movie is about, to be honest.  But what I liked about it is as follows:

1. Jake Gyllenhaal
2. The clever asides that don’t really seem to have much to do with anything but are funny regardless.
3. Jake Gyllenhaal burning down a "kiddie porn dungeon."
4.  Frank the Rabbit
5.  Maggie Gyllenhaal
6. Jake Gyllenhaal calling Patrick Swayze the anti-Christ.
7.  The fact that the director was not able to get the rights to “West End Girls” by Pet Shop Boys, so he had Sparkle Motion dance to “Notorious” by Duran Duran instead. 
8. Jake Gyllenhaal pondering the Smurf way of life and how it differs from his own.
9. Noah Wylie
10.  Oh, yeah.  And Jake Gyllenhaal telling some teacher to stick a book up her backside.  This last one is not actually shown.  It is implied.  And I appreciated the subtlety of that.

So those are ten reasons to watch Donnie Darko, half of which have to do with Jake Gyllenhaal doing something.  In case you didn't know, he does a lot of things in this movie.

Christina Reviews *Deuces Wild*

          Why was this movie made? It was pretty much the same plot as West Side Story. I know that everything's been done before, but this had nothing new to offer.

          Brad Renfro plays the younger brother of the leader of the Deuces.  The Deuces is a gang whose job it is to clean up the city. They do this by dropping cement blocks onto cars and by chasing after those nasty Vipers who were responsible for the death of Renfro and Dorff's other brother. We are informed right from the beginning that the Deuces are good and the Vipers are bad, and that is all there is to it. At least in West Side Story, things were a little more complicated than that. I remember when I was younger, I thought that the Jets were good and the Sharks were bad because the Jets were in more scenes, but I'm sure I would have a different perspective now. In this movie, everything is babied-down for us.

          Questioning the hero's actions? We can't have that!

          In this movie, we do get a glimpse of the parents of these wild children, and they are a sorry sight. Why, that's half the story there, trying to sicken us with these pitiful maternal figures. Perhaps the writers and director of West Side Story knew what they were doing when they made the parents of the kids non-existent (as far as camera time was concerned).

        Here is a movie where I am more likely to favor the villain over the "good guys". Though I wouldn't want to know Marco in real life, on screen, he was cool.  A hell of a lot cooler than those Deuces.

     

Christina Reviews *The Deliberate Stranger*

           There have been many movies to chronicle the life and times of Ted Bundy.  This is probably my favorite of the ones I’ve seen, and maybe the most in-depth.  Mark Harmon does well playing pretty-boy Bundy.  It's easy to see why Ted Bundy was so well-liked, if he was anything like the way Mark Harmon played him.  Of course, there were flashes here and there of his true self.  The movie dropped clues.  Like when he snaps at his girlfriend and her daughter.  Like when a girl rebukes him and, after she walks away, he slams his fist against the hood of his car.  Like when he went to a barbeque and these two female friends of his turn to him, and one says, shocked, "You're a Republican."  :)

          Seriously, though, the great thing about this movie, other than the fact that Mark Harmon did a better job playing Ted Bundy than most actors have in the past, is the fact that the movie really gives depth to the victims.  So many serial killer flicks kind of neglect the victims in order to focus on the killer or the investigation, but this movie is four hours long and that allows for plenty of time to develop the characters.  I’m not suggesting that the victims were given a build-up worthy of David Copperfield or Great Expectations, but there’s a scene where the mother of Denise Naslund is talking about her daughter, and I appreciated even just that small acknowledgment of what the victims went through.  All too often, we hear about all the little details of the killer’s life and don’t even learn the victims’ names.   In fact, right in the beginning, the narrator states that the Ted Bundy nightmare was one that lasted from 1974 until 1979 "for most of us."  The narrator goes on to acknowledge that it lasted beyond 1979 for the families who were impacted, and how this movie is about them as well.  Of course, some of the names were changed.  So this is still a somewhat fictionalized account of the true story.  And the movie is still mainly about Ted Bundy.  But the movie has heart to it that most serial killer movies don't.

       I hated the tagline, though:  "He was easy to like.  Deadly to Know.  Tough to Catch."  He wasn't deadly to know.  In fact, you were safer if you did know him.  That was the whole point of the title.  Clearly the tagline was written by someone who hadn't seen the movie and only wanted to come up with a clever hook.

Christina Reviews *Dawn Anna*

        Dawn Anna is a Lifetime movie about the mother of Columbine victim Lauren Townsend and her battle with illness.  Ninety percent of the movie is about her overcoming her disease only for her daughter to get shot to death in the final ten minutes.  It’s not a very happy story, but it’s supposed to be uplifting because Dawn Anna shows remarkable strength in the face of tragedy.

        I know that the only reason why Dawn Anna got a movie was because she was the mother of one of the Columbine victims, which makes me wonder why her daughter’s death was rushed into the movie at the very last minute and given so little screen time that the viewer barely has a chance to even register what has happened before the credits roll.   Just before the movie ends, we see Dawn Anna visiting Lauren’s grave.  I can’t remember how long after the tragedy it was, but it was long enough for Dawn Anna to have distanced herself somewhat from the initial shock and grief.  What was the point in even mentioning Lauren’s death then?  To show that Dawn Anna has the worst luck in the world?  I suppose we were supposed to marvel at the way in which she overcame adversity.  The only thing is that anyone can appear to overcome adversity if you skip over the whole grieving process and cut to however many years later when the anger and hurt has died down and the acceptance has long since sunk in.  

          I have never seen a Lifetime movie this poorly constructed, and that’s saying something right there.  The writers tried to fit two movies into one, and they didn't pull it off.

        

Christina Reviews *Dangerous Minds*

         I’ll admit, I went through my "teacher movie" phase.  I watched Freedom Writers, and I liked it.  Yeah, it was trite, but it had heart to it.  I can be a sucker for cheap melodrama.  I decided to watch Dangerous Minds since I had never seen it before, and I was curious.

        Let’s just say I needn’t have bothered.

       While the teacher in Freedom Writers encourages kids to learn by opening up their minds, the teacher in Dangerous Minds encourages them to learn by resorting to bribery.

       Yep, that’s right.  Good, old-fashioned bribery.  Works every time.

        Oh yeah, and she encourages them to read poetry by introducing them to Bob Dylan.  Apparently Bob Dylan is the Justin Bieber of the early 90's. 

       I don’t think there’s much more to say about this movie.  Except this.  It’s pretty sad when a main character dies and you feel nothing.  That just goes to show how divorced I was from the story by the time it ended.

Christina Reviews *Cruel Intentions*

         Kathryn and Sebastian are evil stepsiblings. They like to play mind games with each other and with their more vulnerable classmates. This is how they get their kicks.

        But Sebastian is growing tired of the banality of his life. He doesn’t feel like he’s being challenged enough. So Kathryn makes him a bet he can’t refuse ---- seduce the new headmaster’s virginal daughter and win the chance to bed Kathryn.

        Sebastian, being the little perv-boy that he is, eagerly accepts the deal.

        This movie is a remake of Dangerous Liasons which, in turn, was a remake of Les Liasons Dangereuses. It’s certainly not an original concept, and it probably wasn’t a story that needed be retold this badly. I highly doubt, though, that those behind the project were thinking to themselves, “It’s a shame that teenagers today have never heard of the delightful little drama starring Glenn Close and John Malkovich. How can I make that story more accessible to them?” It was probably more like this: “Damn it, I need a plot for a movie because I just blew through my last million dollars and Daddy needs another sports car. What can I remake?” Turns on TV and sees Glenn Close and John Malkovich prancing around in puffy costumes. “And who should I have star in the lead roles?” Looks down at Movieline magazine on coffee table. Sees picture of Kevin Costner. “To hell with this. I’ll just get Ryan Phillippe.” Takes a bite of Reeses Peanut Butter Puff cereal with a spoon and switches the channel to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

          But I will say that Sarah Michelle Gellar did a good job playing evil. She won the MTV Award for Best Female Performance, so you know that means something.

         Also, this movie has the distinguished honor of being responsible for the very existence of Reese Witherspoon’s daughter.

Christina Reviews *Crooklyn*

         Crooklyn is Spike Lee’s story of a young girl growing up in Brooklyn.  The story takes place in the 70’s.  From what I’ve read, it’s sort of autobiographical, but to be honest, what isn’t these days?   The girl, Troy, comes from a loving family whose members are doing their best to get by.  It’s a heart-warming movie, but there is also a gritty realism to it. 

       I remember watching this movie when I was 11 years old and really liking it.  There was something about the family that was comforting, in a way.  They could be anyone’s family, even though their experiences are specific to a particular time and place.  I found myself easily empathizing with them, and even identifying with them at times.

Christina Reviews *Coffee and Cigarettes*

This is a series of vignettes starring big name actors.  But I think it could have used more coffee-drinking and cigarette smoking. 

Just a thought.

Christina Reviews *Clueless*

          Clueless is a movie about a teen matchmaker from hell.   Her name is Cher.

          She’s mean to her stepbrother.  She nags her father.  She calls her housekeeper a Mexican when she’s really from El Salvador.  Oops, my bad!

          And she can’t seem to stop interfering in other people’s love lives.

          Cher can’t seem to help but get in trouble and cause problems for everyone.  It’s not that she’s a bad person.  Her intentions are pure.  It’s just that she’s, well, clueless.

          Wow.  Why am I even reviewing this movie?  You guys have probably already seen it.

          I don’t know what to say about this movie other than the fact that it’s funny, man.  Alicia Silverstone found the role she was born to play.  Somehow movies like The Crush and The Babysitter didn't quite live up to her potential.  Dan Hedaya is hilarious as her father.  Paul Rudd is funny in a cute but misunderstood boy next door type of way.  Nobody plays a slacker better than Breckin Meyer.  And may Brittany Murphy rest in peace.

        This movie is a classic.

        I saw this movie for the first time when I was 12 years old.  I remember watching it with my parents and then quoting the dirty lines to them without realizing that they were dirty. 

        Yeah, this movie is PG-13 for a reason.

Christina Reviews *Clifford*

          “Shame on you, Steffan.  Shame on your eyes!”  Little Clifford to his toy dinosaur

          Martin Short plays 10 year old Clifford.  That right there should give you a really good idea of what kind of movie you can expect.

          Charles Grodin plays little Clifford’s uncle.  Charles Grodin seems to be typecast in the role of a man who’s at his wit’s end with some unruly child.  He certainly doesn’t break the mold with this role.

          In the beginning of the movie, Clifford is on a plane with his parents.  He causes a disruption and forces the pilots to land early.  His parents don’t know what to do with him.  He offers a solution.  He can go stay with his uncle Martin while they finish up their trip.  Martin lives not too far from where the plane landed.  Clifford’s parents jump at the opportunity to be rid of him.  And when uncle Martin gets the phone call, he is thrilled.  His girlfriend loves kids, and so he wants to show her that he's not above doing a little parenting himself. 

         Little does he know that he’s about to get more than he bargained for.  He hasn’t seen his nephew in years.  He thinks his nephew is named Mason.

         I actually liked this movie.  I think Martin Short is hilarious.

Christina Reviews *Clerks*

          Customer:  Cute cat.  What’s it’s name?
          Randal Graves:  Annoying customer.


         Clerks is about a day in the life of a convenience store clerk. 

         Dante Hicks is called in to work on his day off and he’s quite bitter about that.  His friend Randal Graves works at the video store next door.  Randal never seems to let anything bother him.  He just doesn’t give a damn about his job.  He spends most of his shift over at the convenience store, meaning that the video store is “ostensibly closed.”

         The two friends spend the day having conversations that range from the philosophical (such as whether or not the roofers who participated in the construction of the Death Star were innocent victims who had no "personal politics" and were therefore caught up in a "war they had nothing to do with"), to the personal (such as ruminations on Dante’s love life and his ex-girlfriend's talent for driving men to homosexuality), to the downright disgusting (“You’ve never been in a nudie booth?”) 

       Occasionally, they wait on customers.  But mostly they just blow them off.

       There are some memorable scenes in here.  There’s the customer who almost starts a riot in the store when he compares those who sell cigarettes to Nazis.  As it turns out, he’s a Chewlies gum rep who's trying to sell more gum.  There’s the scene where a customer tries to pull a fast one on Randal and he responds with the classic line, “I don’t appreciate your ruse, Ma’am.  … Your cunning attempt to trick me.”  Then there’s the scene where Dante closes down the shop so he can play hockey on the roof with Randal and his friends.  His friends try to get free Gatorade out of him.  At first, he pretends to have principles.  But when they tell him that, if he’s going to be “insubordinate [he] might as well go the full nine” and not “pussy out when it comes to free shit…”, he inevitably caves.

       And of course there’s more.  Much, much more.  I guess you’ll have to watch the movie yourself to find out just how much more I’m talking about.

       Just keep in mind that the movie is really crude.  So don't watch it with your kids. 

      Or with your parents.

      Or with you brother.

      Or with your sister.

      Or with your boss.

      Or with your cat.

      Or with your hermaphroditic girlfriend.

      Basically, don't watch it with anyone.

Christina Reviews *Citizen X*

         Citizen X is about a Russian serial killer who targets children and mentally challenged people in particular. Stephen Rea plays a detective who is looking to crack the case. The problem is that those in charge don’t want to accept that a serial killer is on the loose because it makes their country look bad.

         It’s really a very interesting true story about a Russian detective being railroaded at every turn when all he’s trying to do is bring a killer to justice.

         I don’t remember the movie being all that graphic. There are scenes where children are killed, but nothing is really shown. It’s more psychologically intense than graphic.

Christina Reviews *Citizen Ruth*

         When a drug addict woman lands herself in jail for fetus endangerment, she finds herself caught in an abortion rights tug of war where both sides want to use her as their own poster woman for the cause.

        Citizen Ruth is a movie that comes across as neither pro-choice or pro-life.  It is a story about extremists and how they often care very little about the very things they claim to care so deeply about. 

        I liked this movie because there was a dark humor to it.  I know that it doesn’t really do much to advance a cause, but I feel that it does make you think.

        Three stars.

Christina Reviews *Cinderella*

          Cinderella is a horrible movie.  It teaches young girls to resent their bonus mother just because that bonus mother expects them to do a little work around the house.  It teaches young girls to hate their bonus sisters because their bonus sisters are not as pretty as they are.  It teaches a young girl that, even if she wears rags and is no big prize herself, she will easily win the heart of a gorgeous young prince because all a handsome prince really cares about is the fact that you are a really good person on the inside, not what you look like on the outside.  And yet, is it not true that the prince falls in love with Cinderella after ample interference from a benevolent fairy?  It’s not like she accomplished this major feat on her own.  Just wait until the prince wakes up next to her at 7:00 in the morning and she’s got red eyes and a bedhead.  Will he like her so much then?  Or will he say, “Somewhere out there, in that big, wide world, there must be another young woman who takes a Size 7 shoe.  Maybe I was a little hasty in my judgment.”

          And what was with all the screen time and character development given to the prince’s father’s servant boy?  Last I heard, it was the prince that Cinderella was going to marry, so why is all this attention being given to a pointless minor character instead of to the future potential husband?

          Disney, you disappoint me greatly.

          But since when has anyone judged a classic tale, or a Disney movie, based on the message it imparts?  Four stars.

Christina Reviews The *Child's Play* Series

Child’s Play

Andy gets a black market Good Guy doll for his birthday.  As it turns out, the doll is possessed by the spirit of a murderous criminal.  The rest of the movie is the doll killing people and the mother and child running for their lives.
Nice!

Child’s Play 2

Little Andy is in foster care now.  He goes to live with a couple who already have a much older foster daughter played by Brandon’s crazy girlfriend from 90210.  Emily Valentine and Andy decide they can either kill each other or make nice.  They decide to make nice.  And what better way for a “brother” and “sister” to bond then to run for their lives while a psychotic doll chases after them? 

You see, Chucky’s back.  You didn’t think blowing him to bits in the first movie would solve the problem, did you?  If so, you clearly haven’t watched enough horror films.

There is a classic scene in here where the two foster siblings are trapped in a doll-making factory with Chucky lumbering after them.  Have you ever seen death by doll-making machine?  No?  Then you won’t want to miss this movie.



I will sum up the rest of the movies with one line apiece.  I want to make sure you have just enough information to make an informed decision on whether or not you want to watch them.

Child’s Play 3

Chuck goes to military school and finds that it suits his tastes quite nicely. 

Bride of Chucky

Chucky marries a bride doll possessed by Jennifer Tilly.

Seed of Chucky

I don't know what the hell this movie was about.  Something involving Chucky, Jennifer Tilly, an androgynous doll and a turkey baster.


Three stars for the first movie.  Two and a half stars for the second movie.  One star for the third movie.  Two stars for Jennifer Tilly.

Christina Reviews *Cheerleader Camp*

         For all of the Leif Garrett fans out there, here is the fix you’re looking for.

        I know you guys exist.  I know that you’re not satisfied with the countless re-runs of “Where Are They Now” you watched as a kid.  I know you’re hungry for more.  Well here is a whole movie of Leif Garrett goodness for you to drool over.

        Cheerleader Camp is a campy horror movie about a psychologically disturbed cheerleader named Alison who goes to Cheerleader Camp with her cheerleader friends.  One by one, her cheerleader friends suffer deaths that leave little to cheer over.  But is Alison the killer?  Or is someone playing a not so cheery trick on her by making her think that she‘s losing her mind? 

        What is the moral of this movie?  A cheerleader Leif Garrett is better than no Leif Garrett at all.

        Two stars

Christina Reviews *Chasing Amy*

          The first time I watched Chasing Amy, I didn’t get it.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I understood the plot well enough.  I just didn’t like it.  I thought the movie was one of the weakest Kevin Smith movies I’d ever seen, and as far as I’m concerned, every Kevin Smith movie other than Clerks is weak.  It’s just that each of them is weak in their own unique way.  I didn’t find Chasing Amy to be funny.  I didn’t find it to be poignant.  I just found it to be a waste of time.

         The second time I watched it, I still didn’t like it nearly as much as Clerks, but I definitely appreciated it more. 

         Chasing Amy tells the story of a man who has the misfortune of falling head over heels for a lesbian.  And the funny thing is, she ends up falling in love with him right back.  The second time I watched the movie, I really appreciated the way the movie dealt with the dilemma in a messy way that was true to life.  I’m not saying that all a lesbian needs is the right man, but at the same time, I like it when movies push the boundaries as opposed to conforming to what people would expect.  I can understand if this would upset some viewers.  But at the end of the day, this is not a political piece.  I wouldn’t call it a work of art, but what it does do is tell a story.  And I think it’s about how the main character screws himself in the end because, while Amy is willing to making adjustments to her pre-conceived notions of who she is and compromise in the name of love, the protagonist is an insecure brat who cares about nothing more than his pride. 

          Kevin Smith once called this movie science-fiction.  He encouraged anyone who had ever watched it to ask a lesbian what she thought of this movie and the lesbian would say that it would never happen.

          Three and a half stars

Christina Reviews *Center Stage*

        Center Stage is about a young woman named Jodi who has lofty goals of becoming a big time ballerina.  When she’s accepted into a prestigious ballet school, she’s well on her way to making it.  She’s not about to let her clumsy feet get in the way of her high aspirations. 

        The powers that be aren’t all too impressed at first.  But then she meets danseur extraordinaire Cooper who teaches her about dancing and love and, eventually, heartbreak.  Will it be enough to turn this awkward duckling into a brilliant swan?

        I know that Center Stage may not be an example of cinematic genius.  But damn it all, it does have a plot.  And the plot is coherent.  And the actors are at least somewhat good looking.  And there’s hot music and great dancing.  And really, what more can you ask for from a movie of its kind.  What more, I say?!!!?

Christina Reviews (the one, the only) *Buffy The Vampire Slayer*

          Pike: Buffy, you're the guy. You are the chosen guy.          
          Buffy: Right. I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.

          I’m lucky.  I remember the time when there was only one Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  And as far as I’m concerned, there is still only the one.

         From what I hear, the TV show was what the screenwriter initially envisioned for the script, but his vision was trampled on by those who obviously knew better. 

        The reason why the movie worked, in my opinion, was because it rightly poked fun at the whole concept of a cheerleader discovering, at the age of 18, that she was born with the sole purpose of being trained as a vampire slayer so that she could wipe out a population of newborn vampires currently threatening her town.  The movie is an example of camp at its most appealing, whereas the TV show takes itself way too seriously.  Or if not way too seriously, then at least more seriously than any movie about a teenage vampire slayer should.  I watched the first episode of the show, thought to myself, “Boy, this sucks,” and gave up on it.  I’m not going to give a TV series more time than the movie had to draw me in.  That’s just ludicrous.  And yet the TV show was an instant success, whereas the movie still flounders in the lake of obscurity.  Oh well.  I never judge a movie’s success by whether or not the general public takes to it.  If I did, Twilight would be the work of a consummate professional.

        I guess I just prefer the days when life was simpler----the days when I was twelve years old, and a really good afternoon was walking to CVS with my friends and buying candy.  Those were the days when Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski were our afterschool friends.  And there was only one Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and it was Kristy Swanson, not Sarah Michelle Gellar.

       Three and a half stars

Christina Reviews *The Butterfly Effect*

          What would happen if you went back in time and changed a little thing? There could be major consequences, right?  Just watch that episode of The Simpsons where Homer uses a toaster to time travel.  He didn’t have to do anything more than go back in time and squash a bug and his whole future was re-arranged.  So imagine what would happen if you changed a big thing.  And let’s say it  made your future worse, so you went back in time to change things again.  And let’s say you kept doing this over and over again, making one big mess out of everything. What would you get?

         You would get The Butterfly Effect starring Ashton Kutcher.

         You know, I actually kinda liked this movie.  It had an interesting, if not overdone, premise.   It’s fun watching Ashton Kutcher pretend like he’s acting in a movie that really matters.  And it’s one of those movies where you may get really involved in the storyline while you’re watching it, but it’s not necessarily a movie that you want to see again and again, though you may find the DVD used for $5 and feel the uncontrollable urge to snatch it up.   And then, a few months later, you end up selling it for a nickel because you’ve got too much crap in your house.  It’s that kind of movie. 

          Three stars.

Christina Reviews *The Business of Strangers*

         Ok, don't accept a drink from a beautiful, young seductress who asks you, "What's your poison?" A fine moral, indeed. That is all I got out of this movie, which might as well have been called *The Business of Hangovers*.
         The first half of the movie was slow. Julie (Channing) is at some kind of business meeting. Her assistant, Paula (Stiles), comes in late. A little irked, Julie fires Paula, only not to her face. She does so by telling someone else over a cell phone that she is firing her assistant "Paula" while Paula is standing right next to her. Then later, Julie apologizes to Paula and offers her back her job. This happens in, of all places, a hotel bar. The rest of the movie is pretty much Paula giving Julie "the evil eye". And, as always, when you stick two ambitious women together opposite some hateful oppressive male, they connive.
      I wonder if the ending was supposed to be a clever twist (that failed), or a confirmation of my belief that Julie was a naive fool.
        So, overall, what messages does this movie convey?  Don't accept a drink from a stranger.  Don't get involved in a bizarre plot that involves the revenge of a stranger.  Don't black out in the company of a stranger.  Basically, just don't trust a stranger, period.

        As a grown up version of those Stranger Danger videos they showed you as a kid, this movie works.  As anything even remotely artistic, it sucks as miserably as Julie does at life.

The *Black Swan* Anti-Review

         “What happened to my sweet girl?”
         “She’s gone.”

          It’s probably unnecessary to give a plot outline of Black Swan.  Unless you’ve had your head buried underneath the sand for the past few months, you already know what it’s about.  But what you probably didn’t know is that it doesn’t matter what you think the movie is about because, by the end of the movie, you will be questioning everything you thought you knew.

         It’s almost pointless to even review this movie because I imagine that most everybody will get something different out of this film.  For some people, that something is very, very good.  For others, that something is horrid.

         Out of five stars, I would give Black Swan a three.  That’s my rating for deliberately obtuse movies that you either love or you hate.